FITTY POUND




I am being harassed by a white van man. 
I took his lordship out for a squint and a piss this afternoon - before settling in to do some actual work- and we lorded it around the streets for a while. The jury is out on which of us is the biggest poser.
Amid a screech of brakes a white van mounts the path and holds up traffic in 3 directions while he shouts will I sell the dog.
I will in my eye says I.
After much effing and blinding from the motorists who are doling out looks that would split timber, he drives over the bollard and breasts me mid cross, one boot raised over the path, while he roars at me will I not sell the little aul dog?
He parks sideways and a child with his trousers tucked into his socks jumps out and says howlt on howlt on..........
The man driving has a Bichon Frise on his lap and he holds her up like a talisman.
"This yoke is in use and I'll give you twenty pound to let him cover her" says he.
I feel faint and reel a little.
"Do you mean she is in season and you would like the services of this boy" I ask and wonder how can I run away.
Walter's lipstick IS always out, and he has a field day with a cushion when he thinks I am typing, but really?
A tryst in the back of a hi-ace for a score?
I do NOT think so.
"Me wife, God be good to her, had one a them little aul dogs and I'd give you the pick of the litter" said he as he tried to place the Bichon Frise in my arms.
"Let them loose in the kitchen for ten minutes or so, make sure she cant get out".
I need my inhaler.
So many people are hooting and waving he has to shout over the noise.
"We can lave them in the back of the van and we'll wait be the gates" says he indicating the school.
"Fitty Pound, Fitty."
I could buy a lot of things with Fitty Pound, but like, no way dude.
To extricate myself I said a lot of stuff, and told him I would think about it.
"Jasus" says he "Don't think TOO long, or she'll be no use."
He has already rung twice.
Yes, apparently I was so dumbstruck I gave him my ACTUAL number.
#eegit

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